THE DIARY OF THE PROPHET - samples from the Long lost Sira.
Lunar day 223:
Got up this morning with a stinking hangover. I’m not sure if it was from drinking camels’ piss all night or whether it was that urn of wine I stole from that Jewish pedlar. ‘Tell you one thing, I’m not taking any more risks, I’m not touching alcohol again. NOTE TO SELF: Tell my followers that alcohol is forbidden.
Abu Bakr came into my tent before noon and started ogling my bloody wife, the dirty old bastard. She’s still only young but she’s passed puberty and has started filling out in all the right places if you know what I mean! Yes, I know it was Aisha, Abu’s own daughter, but he’s a right filthy lech when he’s been on the booze. NOTE TO SELF: Definitely get everyone to lay off the drink!
This afternoon I had two well-wishers pop in for a quick chat and some spiritual advice. Two men from out of town. Dirty old beggars they were. Aisha came in wearing one of her skimpy pieces of sack again. These two beggars couldn’t keep her eyes off her. I told her to cover her bloody tits up. I’m sick of this. I always get the waifs and strays coming in for a bit of a chat but I’m sure that all they’re hoping for is to get a quick flash. NOTE TO SELF: Get Aisha to cover herself up and while I’m at it, all my bloody wives can.
This evening I had a right go at Aisha. The little minx was sat in my tent with her cloth half-way up her fanny having a quick natter with some guy selling religious trinkets. Well, when I say selling trinkets, he spent more time looking at Aisha’s crotch than he did talking shop. What is it with everybody?
NOTE TO SELF: Aisha’s wearing a sack all over her body from now on and as for religious trinkets, they’re definitely out. I’ll claim that it’s all about idolatry or something!
Lunar day 224:
Feel a bit better today but I was still up all night with the shits after eating all those dates. After a particularly hefty bout, I had trouble finding stones to wipe my arse on. It took four in the end, but the last one was sharp and cut my bloody ring! NOTE TO SELF: Tell my flock only to use three stones for performing ablution.
In the afternoon, I gave a sermon telling everyone that God had created the World in eight days. Now, I just remembered that I had already told them something a few weeks ago about God creating the World in six days. Maths was never my strong point. Luckily, I think I got away with it. I don’t think that anyone noticed!
Lunar day 212:
Yes, I know that 212 comes before 224, but this stupid lunar calendar is so bloody confusing and as I’ve already said, numbers are not my strong point. Anyway, today I decided to go into battle as I’m running a bit short of groceries. There was no bloody milk this morning! I arranged with Ali to attack the Jews again as they’ve always got loads of stuff worth stealing
We’re all sorted for battle tomorrow. Ali has been and rounded up the best fighters. He asked me if I’d be joining in, but I’ve just remembered that most of those Jewish guys are pretty big and hard looking, so I thought perhaps I’d better stay out of it. I told Ali that I think I had a headache coming on that would probably last until tomorrow night. I also told him that I was washing my beard that day.
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written by a guest , August 29, 2010
